What's Your Major?

It is a conversation painfully familiar to everyone who has ever returned home for the summer after completing one year of college. The reason for this, of course, is that every single such student has the same conversation with each person she knew before leaving home. Her high school teachers, her neighbors, the high school friend with whom she has lost touch, the ice cream man, the box office cashier at the local cineplex, even the supermarket grocery bagger--all of these people have questions, and they all ask them in the same order.

1. How was your first year of college?

The answer to this doesn't matter a bit; in fact, the questioner will probably not even listen to it. The student could have hated it or loved it; she could explain in detail how she accidentally conceived a child while failing a breathalyzer test on I-85 in Pittsboro. She could reveal that she accidentally stumbled upon a cure for leukemia in her biochem lab. Even if she throws in the very trendy phrase "magic bullet," she will generate absolutely no interest, and the questioner, on autopilot, will continue with the line of questioning.

2. Where are you again? (Alternatively: You're at UNC, right?)

Barring recent Botox injections, the answer to this question will cause uplift of the brow line of a magnitude precisely determined by the interaction between two variables. The first of these concerns whether the questioner previously knew the answer. A genuinely surprising answer will always raise the eyebrows a little more than one that the questioner has simply forgotten during the year the student was absent from his life.

However, the more significant variable is the level of prestige assigned to the school by the mind of the questioner. Clearly, the Harvards will command more brow lift than the Oklahoma City Community Colleges of the world. The prestige level is calculated according to its own formula, which includes such obvious factors as tuition, admissions standards, anecdote from other students, and, in some cases, the sound of the name. There are times when the questioner has never heard of the school (a condition which also brings about question 2a: "Where is that?"). In this case, the prestige level is determined by how distinguished the school sounds. "I attend the Riverton College of Literature" (ideally said with a snotty accent) sounds better than "I go to Jupiter Tech."

Aside from the movement of a small group of facial muscles, a student's answer to this question has no effect on the predetermined trajectory of the conversation.

3. What are you studying? (Usually: What's your major?)

And there it is. Implicitly, whether or not he means to, the student's grocery bagger is asking her what her plan is for the rest of her life, a question that brings together not only academics but future earning potential, lifestyle, geographic location, socioeconomic status, romantic prospects, religious affiliation, political leanings, eating habits, and cause of death. Needless to say, this is an overwhelmingly huge question to answer. The student who is reasonably confident in her major might throw it out: "Philosophy." Other students must dismiss the question somehow. A simple "I don't know" shuts it down fairly quickly. If the question is phrased in terms of studies instead of major, the intended question can be sidestepped by listing some classes a student has taken. Otherwise, a brief discussion of potential majors is in order.

The questioner will listen politely to this answer. Depending on elapsed time and circumstances of the encounter, the questions may end here. If they continue, however, the following topics are covered.

4. What made you choose (or, What do you like about) [the college or university at which you study]?

Former high school teachers like this question a lot, perhaps because many of their students are being forced to make similar decisions. Meaningless answers like "it energizes my soul" or "I just feel whole when I am walking the centuries-old stone hallways" are often best.

If the conversation gets to this point, the questioner is genuinely interested in the student and will listen intently to the answer. It should be noted that questions 4 and 5 may occur in any order, and it is not abnormal for one to be missing completely.

5. What are you doing this summer?

The obvious veiled question here is "Precisely how much of a lazy slob are you?" No one deserves a break; if anything, summer activity should be more intense and tiring than activity during the academic year. Relaxation is not to be tolerated. Any free time is morally reprehensible. The best responses to these questions involve full-time, paid, once-in-a-lifetime field opportunities with prominent researchers such as John Rosemond and J.K. Rowling, saving dolphins and resequencing the DNA of vampire bats. It also helps if the student in question is able to squeeze in night classes in quantum mechanics and international relations.

Although the questioner rarely expects a superhuman answer to this question, any hesitation or ambiguity is received poorly, with a condescending nod.

If all five questions are asked and answered, then an actual conversation might proceed, in which real, meaningful insights are shared between the two individuals. The possibility of such a conversation is the only reason that anyone initiates the feeble first five questions. However, depending on circumstances and the student's relationship to her questioner, sometimes these questions will be followed only by an extremely awkward pause, in the midst of which one party or another will make a lame excuse to cut short a meeting which never should have lasted as long as it did in the first place.

Sample Answers

I am, of course, a college student recently returned from my first year of college. As such, I have had this conversation on many occasions. Strictly in the interest of illuminating the nature of this phenomenon, I provide here my answers to the five questions.

1. I really enjoyed my first year. I have a really awesome group of friends, and many of my classes are incredible. It was a really busy year, but I had a whole lot of fun. I don't usually brag, but I am proud of some of my accomplishments this year:
   • I received the W.O. Shewmaker Award for excellence in the first year of the Search course. In the class, the full title of which is The Search for Values in the Light of Western History and Religion, we read ancient literature like Gilgamesh, Homer, the Bible, and Greek and Roman philosophy. I was very proud of the papers I wrote in this class, and my instructor was apparently impressed as well. My award came with a copy of the Oxford Classical Dictionary, which holds detailed information about all things ancient.
   • I was chosen as a Resident Assistant for the 2006-2007 school year. This means that I will have a room to myself and be responsible for ironing out roommate conflicts, combating disruptive behavior, and stopping loud parties at 3 AM. It sounds like a challenge.
   • The most significant of my accomplishments, though, was that I was successful in making friends (aided by the Rubik's Cube) and although I spent time with my friends, I was also able to spend adequate time on my studies.
2. I go to Rhodes College...
   1. ...in Memphis, TN. Memphis is kind of a dead city; it's a bit of a has-been. Elvis is gone, the blues have largely left, and there isn't a lot to get excited about except for Rhodes. The barbecue is great, but a lot of the city is really run-down, which is a shame. Rhodes, though, is incredible.
3. So far, I've been studying nearly everything. As far as a major, though, I'm currently leaning most strongly toward Psychology. I really enjoyed the introductory psychology course that I took this past semester. Looking forward, I am aiming in the general direction of a possible career in journalism, but Rhodes doesn't have a journalism program so I would probably get that training in graduate school and just endeavor to get a generalized education while I'm an undergraduate.
   
   Another major I might be considering (I haven't yet decided whether or not to consider it) is Economics. In Economics 101 and 102 (Microeconomics and Macroeconomics, respectively), I found the material at once interesting, challenging, and practical. This combination of characteristics, along with the fact that I did very well in those two classes, makes this subject field particularly enticing. I believe either major (Psychology or Economics) could lead successfully into a graduate program in journalism.
   
   Of course, I am also very interested in the theatre. I've all but decided not to major in Theatre at Rhodes, but I will continue to be involved with the department, mostly through work with the technical aspects of plays that Rhodes does. Next year, we're doing Waiting for Godot, Dancing at Lughnasa and Jesus Christ Superstar. I am considering auditioning for Superstar just because I think it would be a fun thing to be involved with. I'm not sure I am capable of that kind of time commitment, though.
   
   At some point during my life (certainly after at least ten years of real experience in some other career), I plan to teach in a public school somewhere. I don't know what subject I would teach, or where I would do it, but it's something that I feel passionate about. The reason for the delay, though, is because my best teachers have come into teaching out of some other career, and I feel that it's necessary to get some real experience in the world before jumping into a classroom with the up-and-coming citizens of the world.
   
   As for some of the other questions embedded in this question: I plan to have an extremely exciting life; I'll have two plus or minus one children; I will locate myself in the geographic location which best complements my career choices and family situation (although I don't really see myself living in another country); I'll eat healthily (although I'll be wary of vegetables forever); and I'll die twenty days after my 90th birthday.
4. Most of all, I love the professors at Rhodes. They're all incredibly dedicated, engaging educators who are really interested at a basic level in helping their students not only to learn the course material, but to develop engaging questions of their own and find ways to answer them by themselves. The faculty is the backbone of Rhodes College and I would not be there if the school didn't have a reputation for teachers like them.
   
   I also like the students at Rhodes, although many of them seem to be the sons and daughters of old money, which is fine by itself, but some of these students take that as carte blanche to behave as immaturely and destructively as they can. Over fifty percent of students are in fraternities or sororities, which is huge, but the vast majority of that number are good, decent people. It's that tiny minority that soils the experience for the rest of us. For my own part, I can attest that I have a moderately sized group of really good friends at Rhodes. Although most of them have no Greek affiliation, some of them do, and it definitely isn't a problem.
5. This summer, I am working in two places, and one of them actually pays. I'm working at UNC-TV as a camera operator and teleprompter operator for North Carolina Now, a daily live broadcast. It's awesome, but a little intimidating, to play with cameras which cost more than my college tuition. I'm also working for a commercial video firm in RTP that does training and publicity videos for IBM, Lenovo, and many other triangle companies. They do all sorts of things, and I'm learning a lot about editing, video equipment, and the process of making a video. I'm working in television and video because I have an enduring interest in them. I realized recently that this interest began when I was watching the PBS show Nature and imagined myself in the field, getting footage of roaring lions and hardworking ants. I would still do this in a heartbeat, so I thought I'd get the kind of experience that would help me accomplish it. Also, if my interest in journalism leads me in the direction of broadcast journalism, this will be good experience to have. In August, at the end of the summer, I'm going to the beach with my family and Leigha. Then I have to go back to Rhodes early for RA training.